Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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