this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
