The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
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I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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