My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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