there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
