i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
