dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
