I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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