Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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