The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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