I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
