In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
