Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
