My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
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Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
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The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.