I cockslap morals
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!