sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake