She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle