I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
