Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
