I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
