I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
