Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
