I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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