That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
