I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
