Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
