I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
