woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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