hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
