You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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