I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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