The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are the jesus of drinking
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
