Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
