New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
