I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
