i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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