I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
