Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
