3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
