How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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