i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
