We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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