I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My feet surprised me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
