If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
