He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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