I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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