He uses pillows to masturbate.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
