i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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