i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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