I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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