i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
