he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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