he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
sex in a hospital.. check
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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