I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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