i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want her autograph on my taint
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
