Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
