I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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