i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
