Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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