i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
