they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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