a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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