RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
