My nipple is on Facebook.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
